Stephanie Tanner’s a whore

OK, so Jodie Sweetin, the middle (read, ugly) daughter from Full House was on the Today show this morning talking about the zany good times she had as a child/teen star. Most of those good times involved snorting meth and cocaine and passing out drunk at cast parties. She was also plugging her autobiography called… wait for it… “Unsweetined” (fukkin lol).
Now, unless I was tied down by terrorists, I watched very little of Full House. I always thought it only existed to satisfy Roman Polanski’s unquenchable thirst for tween poon. I caught a few pieces of this interview, and what she was saying was unimportant. But where I watched this interview made me realize something.
I would've called it "Un-Splenda-id"
Celebrities (term used loosely) really have no fucking idea what America is saying when they think they are singing their redemption song in public. A former druggie celeb goes on TV and tells the world about their struggle and triumph over dumbassosity. They go home, think they’ve touched someone in a deep and special way, and wait for book royalties and a phone call from the mom from Family Ties concerning the Lifetime movie. They made a difference and they are now a hero.

No… I live in Tennessee. You can say wait you want about inbreds and tractors and “Git R’ Dun” shirts, and well you’re probably right. But as I silently ate here’s what the people sitting around the TV at the pizza joint thought of your interview…

“HEY HEY SUSIE LOOK! That’s the girl from the Full House! She’s a fucking crackhead!”
“Oh my God… she was probably doing weed with the Olsen twins!”
“Well no look at her she’s still on meth look at her she’s all dizzy and shit!”
“Ha I’ll bet her brother Kirk Cameron doesn’t like this since he’s in all the Left Behind movies!”
“Yeah he better pray for her dumbass!”

Yep, that’s right. Apparently rural America thinks Kirk Cameron is your brother (close but not really). They also think you are still on drugs and will actually have a demo set up at the mall later to snort a couple lines and then show how easily the Shamwow cleans up Diet Sam’s Choice Cola from this shag carpet sample. They didn’t hear, or possibly just not understand, that you are supposedly clean and partying at the Adventist church or whatever you said. Sorry I wasn’t listening to you either.

Even without being buried in internet celebrity gossip pages, toothy Sue didn’t heard 99 percent of what you said. She heard “Stephanie is a dopefiend that swallowed a crack pipe so her unborn fetus could take a hit.” Whether you are a somebody making amends for stupid shit or a failure pile on Maury waiting to hear “You are NOT the father,” Joe Public reacts the same.

I don’t know what the answer is… don’t go on TV? That won’t happen as long as former celebs need money and current TV shows need viewers. I’m sure you think the message you are bringing is a good one, and no one’s going to convince you otherwise. But at least I thought you should know, America is listening. Just not very well.

P.S. My friend also noticed you have huge knockers. Yay for you!