XBox Live thinks I’m a douchebag?

I’m part of the new XBox Live preview, and I have to admit there’s a couple of really cool additions…but I’ll get to that later.

I want to find out why Microsoft thinks I’m a douchebag.

In the gaming world there are stereotypes about the kind of users that play the three major home consoles. Playstation 3 users have a rep for being the refined hardcore gamer that loves edgy games and hooks everything including their toaster up with Monster Cables. Nintendo Wii users are rumored to skew towards unborn fetuses and corpses that have Wiimotes shoved into their cold dead hands by apathetic assisted-living nurses.

Now…XBox 360 users tend to be classified as manly HOOAH “Army Strong” men and 12 year old boys that love to teabag OMG FAGS in first-person shooters. I think they’re trying to get rid of this rep, what with helping a British kid cheat on his homework and such, so good for them. I’m usually on the 360, and with the preview I’ve been on it more–checking out Last.fm and Facebook statuses. Looking up “Clarksville” on Twitter to read how Sheboonqua hates Metaytay and so on. They seemingly don’t wanna be known as the console for the “How Much You Bench” crowd.

What I need Microsoft to do is to explain this:

How Much You Bench Bro?

How Much You Bench Bro? (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Motley Crue (Crew? Cruise?)? Bullet For My Valentine? CREED???????
I thought we remembered the atrocities of the past Microsoft? I don’t slam fucking energy drinks and listen to “Arms Wide Open” when I’m trying to play fetch with my dog in Fable 2. I sure as shit don’t play “Dr. Feelgood” while I’m in the middle of a match in Super Puzzle Fighter. I’m not sure what kind of research was going on in Redmond, but rural Alabama is LOVING the 360 music tab this week.

If I didn’t know any better, I think Microsoft wants me to put on my favorite upside-down visor, pop 3 or 4 collars, hop in my cherry red Mustang (4 cylinder of course), and pick up the hottest new wife-beating game from Activision, with OMG EXCLUSIVE HEPATITIS SHOT FOR XBOX USERS!!!

Please stop making me feel like a douchebag. Oh, and never bring back Trixie360 to Live. She fucking sucks too.

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  1. Pingback: Why does XBox Live think I’m a douchebag? | Console Gaming

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