PS3 does Everything… PS3’s are dead.

…looks like the Playstation Network is down on most non-Slim (read: older model) Playstation 3’s. Except unlike the Xbox Live outages that took out the ability to play or use online download services, this outage is killing the ability to play games. Heavy Rain, the exclusive “must-have” for the first quarter of 2010 is the most high profile zombified game. There’s conflicting info everywhere, but the bottom line is trophy supported games are down and out, and consoles are reverting back to 1999 (where they apparently Quantum Leaped to either hang out with Prince and party or they are stockpiling Pop Tarts for Y2K). Even PS3’s not connected to the internet AND debug units used by developers are going down.

If this gets cleared up within the next day then Sony won’t pick up the “hardware fail flag” that Microsoft has been waving the past couple of years. But I wonder if a fix can be rolled out that will fix all the non-internetz units… The official number is questionable, but how many PS3’s are never connected to the internet? How many are non-broadband? How do they get fixed? Will Sony be shipping out disks to all PS3 owners that call a handy 1-800 number?

These are users that often fall through the cracks. Grandparents that buy a PS3 and keep it over their house for when the kids visit (yes, this happens a lot). Houses with a PS3 in the bedroom and no wireless (i.e. no connection). This could get ugly.

In the meantime, Sony wants people to follow their official Twitter (link) for updates.

Also, awkward irony:

Sony's Twitter dares you to dream

Sony's Twitter dares you to dream

I gave up and bought DJ Hero

I made fun of this game for weeks, even damning it to hell after its release. But then I was in Best Buy and tried it. By the way, I was standing in the middle of the store by myself scratching away on tutorials. Several roll-eyed employees gave the always helpful “evil Best Buy glare” to the guy playing video games alone in the middle of the day in public (thanks assholes!)

But back to the point, this game is fun. Shit, I wanted to hate it for all the right reasons. Activision made it. It follows 82 iterations of Guitar Hero this year. It’s $119 or $200(!) for the “special” (read: retard) edition.

But Wal-mart had a special to get a $40 gift card with the purchase this week, so I caved in. Now I look forward to pleasurable nights of not learning how to really DJ and having a blast. Then again, Left 4 Dead hasn’t helped my relations with zombies or survivors, and We Cheer hasn’t helped me to hook up with any vapid cheerleaders.

So as Bart said, “You’re right Millhouse. Fun IS fun.”

XBox Live thinks I’m a douchebag?

I’m part of the new XBox Live preview, and I have to admit there’s a couple of really cool additions…but I’ll get to that later.

I want to find out why Microsoft thinks I’m a douchebag.

In the gaming world there are stereotypes about the kind of users that play the three major home consoles. Playstation 3 users have a rep for being the refined hardcore gamer that loves edgy games and hooks everything including their toaster up with Monster Cables. Nintendo Wii users are rumored to skew towards unborn fetuses and corpses that have Wiimotes shoved into their cold dead hands by apathetic assisted-living nurses.

Now…XBox 360 users tend to be classified as manly HOOAH “Army Strong” men and 12 year old boys that love to teabag OMG FAGS in first-person shooters. I think they’re trying to get rid of this rep, what with helping a British kid cheat on his homework and such, so good for them. I’m usually on the 360, and with the preview I’ve been on it more–checking out and Facebook statuses. Looking up “Clarksville” on Twitter to read how Sheboonqua hates Metaytay and so on. They seemingly don’t wanna be known as the console for the “How Much You Bench” crowd.

What I need Microsoft to do is to explain this:

How Much You Bench Bro?

How Much You Bench Bro? (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Motley Crue (Crew? Cruise?)? Bullet For My Valentine? CREED???????
I thought we remembered the atrocities of the past Microsoft? I don’t slam fucking energy drinks and listen to “Arms Wide Open” when I’m trying to play fetch with my dog in Fable 2. I sure as shit don’t play “Dr. Feelgood” while I’m in the middle of a match in Super Puzzle Fighter. I’m not sure what kind of research was going on in Redmond, but rural Alabama is LOVING the 360 music tab this week.

If I didn’t know any better, I think Microsoft wants me to put on my favorite upside-down visor, pop 3 or 4 collars, hop in my cherry red Mustang (4 cylinder of course), and pick up the hottest new wife-beating game from Activision, with OMG EXCLUSIVE HEPATITIS SHOT FOR XBOX USERS!!!

Please stop making me feel like a douchebag. Oh, and never bring back Trixie360 to Live. She fucking sucks too.

Battlefield 1943, 2, 1…

I think it’s been discussed many times about how little time you have to make the sale when it comes to new game releases.  This week’s unfortunate case is the release of Battlefield 1943 on Xbox live.

1943You know what sucks?  I really want to jump in (Microsoft marketing hello) and try this.  Check out the screenshots, read the description, realize that it’s Battlefield multiplayer for only 15 bux lol.  It sounds like a winning formula because it has won before on the PC.

So the obvious thing I do is download the demo (along with the Ghostbusters demo that came out this week) and boot it up.  My girlfriend of course asks “What the hell is this supposed to be?” because she has a built-in hatred for any game featuring any battles that start with “WW”.  She only likes space marines or ninjas, so I blame the Japanese for not sending out ninjas to take out American troops at Iwo Jima or whatever… I’m afraid I don’t know shit about WW2 either.

Anyway, I reassure her that this game will indeed rock and she will soon be ripping the controller out of my hand like a Tennessean at a country ham festival.  Click “Quick Start”.  See the “EA network loading blah blah” screen.

Connection failed.

Try again.  Fail again.

This goes on for a few minutes.  Meanwhile my girlfriend looks at me like I just failed in bed instead of on the Xbox (more like Sexbox am I rite?)  Game over man.  Back to the dashboard!

So will I go back to the demo?  Eh, maybe.  But I was successfully able to play the Ghostbusters demo, which my girlfriend enjoyed watching because it had meters to find ghosts and, of course, the theme song.  By the way, I think Ghostbusters was made to be watched by 80’s fanboys/fangirls while you play.  Hearing Harold Ramis’ distinct voice on anything always takes me back…

But back to Battlefield.  I’m sure the game will do fine once it finds it’s wings (and stable servers).  But I probably won’t make it back until I read it’s what everybody’s playing.  This is the problem with the new car smell of video games.  A lot like movies, there’s the weekly new release that has to knock it out of the park or potentially be doomed to fail.  I don’t know about everyone else, but I jump all over the discounted games a few months later.  But I wonder if I’m in the minority.

Street Fighter 4 sold an asston out of the gate but seemed to fall off the map the next month.  I know it did great, but what about the game that debuts nowhere in the top 20?  I hate to see the great game with shitty sales not make it…

I guess I’m all over the place with this.  Bottom line, EA, fix the fucking game.  There, should’ve just said that all along.