I gave up and bought DJ Hero

I made fun of this game for weeks, even damning it to hell after its release. But then I was in Best Buy and tried it. By the way, I was standing in the middle of the store by myself scratching away on tutorials. Several roll-eyed employees gave the always helpful “evil Best Buy glare” to the guy playing video games alone in the middle of the day in public (thanks assholes!)

But back to the point, this game is fun. Shit, I wanted to hate it for all the right reasons. Activision made it. It follows 82 iterations of Guitar Hero this year. It’s $119 or $200(!) for the “special” (read: retard) edition.

But Wal-mart had a special to get a $40 gift card with the purchase this week, so I caved in. Now I look forward to pleasurable nights of not learning how to really DJ and having a blast. Then again, Left 4 Dead hasn’t helped my relations with zombies or survivors, and We Cheer hasn’t helped me to hook up with any vapid cheerleaders.

So as Bart said, “You’re right Millhouse. Fun IS fun.”

Stephanie Tanner’s a whore

OK, so Jodie Sweetin, the middle (read, ugly) daughter from Full House was on the Today show this morning talking about the zany good times she had as a child/teen star. Most of those good times involved snorting meth and cocaine and passing out drunk at cast parties. She was also plugging her autobiography called… wait for it… “Unsweetined” (fukkin lol).
Now, unless I was tied down by terrorists, I watched very little of Full House. I always thought it only existed to satisfy Roman Polanski’s unquenchable thirst for tween poon. I caught a few pieces of this interview, and what she was saying was unimportant. But where I watched this interview made me realize something.
I would've called it "Un-Splenda-id"
Celebrities (term used loosely) really have no fucking idea what America is saying when they think they are singing their redemption song in public. A former druggie celeb goes on TV and tells the world about their struggle and triumph over dumbassosity. They go home, think they’ve touched someone in a deep and special way, and wait for book royalties and a phone call from the mom from Family Ties concerning the Lifetime movie. They made a difference and they are now a hero.

No… I live in Tennessee. You can say wait you want about inbreds and tractors and “Git R’ Dun” shirts, and well you’re probably right. But as I silently ate here’s what the people sitting around the TV at the pizza joint thought of your interview…

“HEY HEY SUSIE LOOK! That’s the girl from the Full House! She’s a fucking crackhead!”
“Oh my God… she was probably doing weed with the Olsen twins!”
“Well no look at her she’s still on meth look at her she’s all dizzy and shit!”
“Ha I’ll bet her brother Kirk Cameron doesn’t like this since he’s in all the Left Behind movies!”
“Yeah he better pray for her dumbass!”

Yep, that’s right. Apparently rural America thinks Kirk Cameron is your brother (close but not really). They also think you are still on drugs and will actually have a demo set up at the mall later to snort a couple lines and then show how easily the Shamwow cleans up Diet Sam’s Choice Cola from this shag carpet sample. They didn’t hear, or possibly just not understand, that you are supposedly clean and partying at the Adventist church or whatever you said. Sorry I wasn’t listening to you either.

3 Words. LOWEST. COMMON. DENOMINATOR.
Even without being buried in internet celebrity gossip pages, toothy Sue didn’t heard 99 percent of what you said. She heard “Stephanie is a dopefiend that swallowed a crack pipe so her unborn fetus could take a hit.” Whether you are a somebody making amends for stupid shit or a failure pile on Maury waiting to hear “You are NOT the father,” Joe Public reacts the same.

I don’t know what the answer is… don’t go on TV? That won’t happen as long as former celebs need money and current TV shows need viewers. I’m sure you think the message you are bringing is a good one, and no one’s going to convince you otherwise. But at least I thought you should know, America is listening. Just not very well.

P.S. My friend also noticed you have huge knockers. Yay for you!

XBox Live thinks I’m a douchebag?

I’m part of the new XBox Live preview, and I have to admit there’s a couple of really cool additions…but I’ll get to that later.

I want to find out why Microsoft thinks I’m a douchebag.

In the gaming world there are stereotypes about the kind of users that play the three major home consoles. Playstation 3 users have a rep for being the refined hardcore gamer that loves edgy games and hooks everything including their toaster up with Monster Cables. Nintendo Wii users are rumored to skew towards unborn fetuses and corpses that have Wiimotes shoved into their cold dead hands by apathetic assisted-living nurses.

Now…XBox 360 users tend to be classified as manly HOOAH “Army Strong” men and 12 year old boys that love to teabag OMG FAGS in first-person shooters. I think they’re trying to get rid of this rep, what with helping a British kid cheat on his homework and such, so good for them. I’m usually on the 360, and with the preview I’ve been on it more–checking out Last.fm and Facebook statuses. Looking up “Clarksville” on Twitter to read how Sheboonqua hates Metaytay and so on. They seemingly don’t wanna be known as the console for the “How Much You Bench” crowd.

What I need Microsoft to do is to explain this:

How Much You Bench Bro?

How Much You Bench Bro? (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Motley Crue (Crew? Cruise?)? Bullet For My Valentine? CREED???????
I thought we remembered the atrocities of the past Microsoft? I don’t slam fucking energy drinks and listen to “Arms Wide Open” when I’m trying to play fetch with my dog in Fable 2. I sure as shit don’t play “Dr. Feelgood” while I’m in the middle of a match in Super Puzzle Fighter. I’m not sure what kind of research was going on in Redmond, but rural Alabama is LOVING the 360 music tab this week.

If I didn’t know any better, I think Microsoft wants me to put on my favorite upside-down visor, pop 3 or 4 collars, hop in my cherry red Mustang (4 cylinder of course), and pick up the hottest new wife-beating game from Activision, with OMG EXCLUSIVE HEPATITIS SHOT FOR XBOX USERS!!!

Please stop making me feel like a douchebag. Oh, and never bring back Trixie360 to Live. She fucking sucks too.

Battlefield 1943, 2, 1…

I think it’s been discussed many times about how little time you have to make the sale when it comes to new game releases.  This week’s unfortunate case is the release of Battlefield 1943 on Xbox live.

1943You know what sucks?  I really want to jump in (Microsoft marketing hello) and try this.  Check out the screenshots, read the description, realize that it’s Battlefield multiplayer for only 15 bux lol.  It sounds like a winning formula because it has won before on the PC.

So the obvious thing I do is download the demo (along with the Ghostbusters demo that came out this week) and boot it up.  My girlfriend of course asks “What the hell is this supposed to be?” because she has a built-in hatred for any game featuring any battles that start with “WW”.  She only likes space marines or ninjas, so I blame the Japanese for not sending out ninjas to take out American troops at Iwo Jima or whatever… I’m afraid I don’t know shit about WW2 either.

Anyway, I reassure her that this game will indeed rock and she will soon be ripping the controller out of my hand like a Tennessean at a country ham festival.  Click “Quick Start”.  See the “EA network loading blah blah” screen.

Connection failed.

Try again.  Fail again.

This goes on for a few minutes.  Meanwhile my girlfriend looks at me like I just failed in bed instead of on the Xbox (more like Sexbox am I rite?)  Game over man.  Back to the dashboard!

So will I go back to the demo?  Eh, maybe.  But I was successfully able to play the Ghostbusters demo, which my girlfriend enjoyed watching because it had meters to find ghosts and, of course, the theme song.  By the way, I think Ghostbusters was made to be watched by 80’s fanboys/fangirls while you play.  Hearing Harold Ramis’ distinct voice on anything always takes me back…

But back to Battlefield.  I’m sure the game will do fine once it finds it’s wings (and stable servers).  But I probably won’t make it back until I read it’s what everybody’s playing.  This is the problem with the new car smell of video games.  A lot like movies, there’s the weekly new release that has to knock it out of the park or potentially be doomed to fail.  I don’t know about everyone else, but I jump all over the discounted games a few months later.  But I wonder if I’m in the minority.

Street Fighter 4 sold an asston out of the gate but seemed to fall off the map the next month.  I know it did great, but what about the game that debuts nowhere in the top 20?  I hate to see the great game with shitty sales not make it…

I guess I’m all over the place with this.  Bottom line, EA, fix the fucking game.  There, should’ve just said that all along.